I think I just need a way to vent. I'm really stressed out/depressed... I think it's partially because of winter. Everything I said in my last post still applies. All though I believe I have come to some conclusions. I still really like (dare I say "love") one person. Yeah. Travis. I can tell myself over and over agian that he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, but in the back of my mind I still have hope. I blame that hope on my friend Kevin (also Travis's friend) and my sister. I've heard many times in the past few months that he still talks about me constantly. I have successfully not texted him in over two months and I shouldn't in the future, but I really want to. I know he's not going to tell me the truth, but I still want to see if it will slip through. All the while I miss him, I'm still angry at him. I'm not mad at him for lying or being an ass to me after we broke up, but I'm pissed that he never tried to make things better after he lied to me. He didn't try hard enough to protect me from falling for Paul which is now another mistake I have made. I was foolish, but Travis wasn't strong enough to persaude me otherwise. I can't stop thinking about him, but I know he doesn't care. If I told him I still cared, still loved him, after all these months I still wanted him in my life, he would just come back with some smart ass remark and I would feel stupid for what I said. My sister kept telling me that one of us had to say something (travis or me). I was the one, the FEMALE, that had enough balls to tell him first. At that point he told me he still cared too, that he would even give me another chance. After all the chances I gave him, he said he would give me another chance. Then I had to tell him what his friends told my sister. They told her that I cheated on Travis, when I never did. So, when things finally started to turn around... finally seem right... when he actually started being nice to me, smiling at me, helping me out at work, he took his friends' side. Saying I was talking "shit" about his friends. This just proved to me that his friends are just as good of liars as he is.... Then he quit work. Moved. Got a new job. I haven't seen him for over two months, but I still can't seem to go a fucking day without thinking about him. He's always on my mind. Almost like he's haunting me. I can say all this, feel all these feelings, but even if he knew, he wouldn't care. He doesn't give a shit about me anymore and I'm supposed to move on like he did. That another thing. I will never really know if he's moved on, if he regrets letting me go, if he thinks about me all the time. I can't believe that I am the only one that still feels that way and is carrying all this weight. It's really baring down on me now. Maybe it's because it's marking the one year point in a couple of weeks... That could be it.
The last time I really saw him was in December when my sister, brother, I, and my friend Kevin went bowling with my sister's boyfriend, Pete, and Travis. He was angry that I was there. You could see it in his face and Kevin even told me the whole drove to the bowling alley he was bitching about me being there. That night though I caught him staring at me. Whether giving me a resentful look or hopeful one, I have no idea. But he looked at me. I avoided his eyes the entire time because I could pretty much feel the anger behind them. It was sad. Then a couple of weeks ago I saw him at his work (walmart). I ignored him, but I could have sworn he was almost trying to follow me cause he happened to be near my sister and I at least twice. How does that happen in a huge store like walmart?? Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe I'm being overly hopeful again. Like I keep saying though, I could shout at the top of my lungs that I want him back, but he would just turn and walk away as if I had said nothing....

I hate life.
I hate boys.
I hate the way thing turned out.
I hate being depressed.
I hate not having him.
I hate being alone.
I hate being hopeful.
I hate still loving him.
I hate not being able to move on.
I hate Travis.
I hate life.