InuYashagrl4's Xanga

Every person I touch, every person I come in contact with, isn't what they seem to be...

Fri, 22 May 2009 23:23:34 GMT

They all turn out to be liars, users, and abusers. I know you're not supposed to judge a book by it's cover, but I didn't exactly do that either. I knew most of these people for 6 months to a year. One of them even less, but I just need to rant and he's on my list. These friends I've made have turned out to be different then I expected. I never had this problem with my friends in Naperville and I hope to God they are all still the same. I know that Pat has gone all Jesus Freak, but that's not neseccarily a bad thing. He's following his heart and following God, and I say good for him. He's a good person, he deserves it. But, here, people are so different, it's almost sickening. Some of this might not make sense, but I'm going with it, so bare with me.

Brandon(3 weeks): I met him at school when I first transferred here. He was in my Biology class, and I thought he was a decent person. All he really talked about was video games and was really smart when it came to the class. So from February when I moved to the end of May, we were just friends. That was when I realized I liked him. He was my first official boyfriend, but he wanted me for something other than my personality. All he wanted to do was grab my ass or my boobs. He was my first boyfriend! Can you tell how shocked I was!? This wasn't what I thought a relationship was supposed to be about! But he claimed that "I didn't know how to be in a relationship." Well, duh! It was my first time. I ended up being right, he ended up being the pervert, the "user" so to speak.

Travis(6 months): Oh yes. Lovely Travis. My second boyfriend. I met him through work and we got along great. Had a lot of things in common. He was honest enough to tell me about his past. How he still partied with his friends, drank, used to do drugs, and smoke a little. I was blindsighted then too. He told me over and over that he hadn't done pot for a very long time and if his friends were to do it around him, he wouldn't. I didn't mind so much about the drinking cause he didn't do it that often, but when he did he told me about it. I was a fool about that too. Everytime he went to drink with his friends, he'd be smoking pot and cigarettes also. Go figure. I didn't find this out until another co-worker of ours, Paul (he's next), told me about it. I confronted Travis about it and he confessed he had done it, and even within the last couple of weeks of me asking. I was truly disappointed. He said that he had a hard time trusting women because of his ex-girlfriend, so what does that mean to me? I lost ALL trust in him. I even flat out told him that it would take a lot to for me to gain his trust back and he knew that. About two weeks later he broke up with my cause I was "controlling". He was liar number one, a user, and an abuser.

Paul(6 months): He was also part of the reason Travis broke up with me. I began to like Paul when he told me about Travis and "wanted to be there for me". Right before Travis and I broke up, he left for Marine Training in California and I only had contact with him through letters for 6 months. During that time, I believed our relationship grew. He said things I've only dreamed about a guy saying to me. He said everything from how much he wanted to be with me from how he wanted to hold me, kiss me. I believed it all. He even said that when he came home, he was going to take me out. I foolishly waited that entire two weeks he was home to go out with him. He never made an attempt once. He just made up excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't do anything. His car didn't work, he was hanging with friends, being with family. He left again, but I still held on. We wrote again, and he came back after Christmas. I had my hopes high and waited for the text/call from him saying he wanted to go out. No such luck once again. We "hung out" once while I was waiting to clock in at work. So much for hanging out right? He left a couple days after that, not even saying good-bye. I came to my senses and told him to go fuck himself. The only thing I can think of as to why he did any of this, was to piss off Travis. Paul wanted to get back at him for some reason, so why not mess around with his girlfriend/ex-girlfriend. Travis just happened to be working the day Paul sat with me when I was waiting to clock in. I'm considering that as being "used" once again and of course that makes him a liar.

Kraig(2 years): Kraig's story is short. I've known him since I moved up here. Through out my second half of Freshman year and all of Sophomore year, he was a pretty cool kid. I thought maybe I began to like him too. Go figure, right? So, over the summer, I started talking to him online. We sort of began to get personal, like talking about our lives and what not. He said he was depressed for no reason and I felt bad for him. I really did. Because at this certain time, I was too, but I knew why I was depressed. So, I asked him if he wanted to hang out. And we did. A couple days actually through out the summer. I even got him to go to the fair, though I didn't get a chance to hang out with him at the concert. This following school year, he started going downhill. He knew a lot of people from Marshfield and started with the drugs and alcohol. He's a brilliant kid, but he's losing that brilliancy because of what he's getting into. It's sad really...

Cassandra(2 years): Another friend I've known since I've moved up here. Her story is also kinda short. Out of our group of friends, we all know that she would be the first one ontop of any guy at a party or the one downing some form of booze first, but I don't think any of us really believed it. Maybe it was because we knew she probably wouldn't really do it around us, unless we were doing it too. She, too, was fine until this year. She started hanging out with her younger friends who all conviently have boyfriends more than likely old enough to buy alcohol. Right before her Track season started, she went to a couple of parties. The one time we really knew about it, she missed school on Monday then came back Tuesday saying she was sick, throwing up, major headache. So we all knew what it was. Hangover.

Josh(About 6 months?): Here's another guy I feel for from work. I thought he was different too. A jock, but not one of those asshole jocks that only care about the preppy girls at school. I mean, what jock would talk to me?? We ended up exchanging numbers, I came out and told him I liked him, then found out that all he does is party. He does the whole drinking thing, but not the pot. At this point in my life, I can't stand all the guys that love to drink for the fun of it. He said he didn't do it that often because he was on Football and Baseball, but every weekend I went to work and he was there, I always heard something about him being at a party the other night or that he went to the club. Just a couple of weekends ago he was at a party with a couple of my other co-workers and one of them was sent to the hospital because he had a blood-alcohol level of 3.8. I still want to ask him if drinking is still worth it, but I already know what the answer would be. "Yeah."

I honestly don't know what to think of people anymore. Right now I'm having problems with a new friend, Nicholas, who I met on the internet. We've been talking since about January. I honestly thought he was straight, never smoked, done drugs, never drank. I still don't know what to think of him. Last night he texted me at 2 in the morning saying he went drinking and played beer pong for the first time. I have a right to be disappointed, don't I?? I thought he was better than that, but I'm not thinking so anymore. I've been trying to ignore him all day, even told him to stop talking to me. He's mad because I'm upset. Why shouldn't I be upset!? He even sent a mass text saying "I drank more than usual". Wait. What!? More than usual?? I thought he never drank. Maybe that's the misconception I got. Maybe I am just a fool after all. Maybe I am the one that's naive. I hate this. I really do. I'm sick and tired of all the liars, users, and abusers!!!

Why am I writing in here again? Well, here's some rambling mush...

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 00:15:08 GMT

I think I just need a way to vent. I'm really stressed out/depressed... I think it's partially because of winter. Everything I said in my last post still applies. All though I believe I have come to some conclusions. I still really like (dare I say "love") one person. Yeah. Travis. I can tell myself over and over agian that he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, but in the back of my mind I still have hope. I blame that hope on my friend Kevin (also Travis's friend) and my sister. I've heard many times in the past few months that he still talks about me constantly. I have successfully not texted him in over two months and I shouldn't in the future, but I really want to. I know he's not going to tell me the truth, but I still want to see if it will slip through. All the while I miss him, I'm still angry at him. I'm not mad at him for lying or being an ass to me after we broke up, but I'm pissed that he never tried to make things better after he lied to me. He didn't try hard enough to protect me from falling for Paul which is now another mistake I have made. I was foolish, but Travis wasn't strong enough to persaude me otherwise. I can't stop thinking about him, but I know he doesn't care. If I told him I still cared, still loved him, after all these months I still wanted him in my life, he would just come back with some smart ass remark and I would feel stupid for what I said. My sister kept telling me that one of us had to say something (travis or me). I was the one, the FEMALE, that had enough balls to tell him first. At that point he told me he still cared too, that he would even give me another chance. After all the chances I gave him, he said he would give me another chance. Then I had to tell him what his friends told my sister. They told her that I cheated on Travis, when I never did. So, when things finally started to turn around... finally seem right... when he actually started being nice to me, smiling at me, helping me out at work, he took his friends' side. Saying I was talking "shit" about his friends. This just proved to me that his friends are just as good of liars as he is.... Then he quit work. Moved. Got a new job. I haven't seen him for over two months, but I still can't seem to go a fucking day without thinking about him. He's always on my mind. Almost like he's haunting me. I can say all this, feel all these feelings, but even if he knew, he wouldn't care. He doesn't give a shit about me anymore and I'm supposed to move on like he did. That another thing. I will never really know if he's moved on, if he regrets letting me go, if he thinks about me all the time. I can't believe that I am the only one that still feels that way and is carrying all this weight. It's really baring down on me now. Maybe it's because it's marking the one year point in a couple of weeks... That could be it.
The last time I really saw him was in December when my sister, brother, I, and my friend Kevin went bowling with my sister's boyfriend, Pete, and Travis. He was angry that I was there. You could see it in his face and Kevin even told me the whole drove to the bowling alley he was bitching about me being there. That night though I caught him staring at me. Whether giving me a resentful look or hopeful one, I have no idea. But he looked at me. I avoided his eyes the entire time because I could pretty much feel the anger behind them. It was sad. Then a couple of weeks ago I saw him at his work (walmart). I ignored him, but I could have sworn he was almost trying to follow me cause he happened to be near my sister and I at least twice. How does that happen in a huge store like walmart?? Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe I'm being overly hopeful again. Like I keep saying though, I could shout at the top of my lungs that I want him back, but he would just turn and walk away as if I had said nothing....

I hate life.
I hate boys.
I hate the way thing turned out.
I hate being depressed.
I hate not having him.
I hate being alone.
I hate being hopeful.
I hate still loving him.
I hate not being able to move on.
I hate Travis.
I hate life.

It shouldn't be like this

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 04:00:23 GMT

So, I think life is getting too difficult. It was so much easier when we lived in Illinois. Granted if I were still in Illinois, I wouldn't have meet so many amazing people (thanks to work and school), but back home I didn't know how it felt to be held by someone, to be kissed. I just went on wishing. Wishing actually seems like it was better then knowing. The knowing just makes it hurt so much worse when you don't have it anymore... Getting to my point, I'm getting sick of seeing all the couples around here. It's not helpful at all. There's too much PDA at school now and the damn teachers don't bother to do anything about it. Another thing that doesn't help is watching my sister and her boyfriend. They have successfully gone out for a year, through thick and thin. It makes me jealous and feel like an idiot. I had what they have and I ruined it for myself. Thus far, I've been the one capable of ruining the relationships. I should have never started this, but "everything happens for a reason", right? ...I hate living by that phrase...

Wow... I haven't written a blog is such a long time. I believe the last time I wrote one was on Xanga around February... So, I'm kinda out of practice. I wonder if any of that made any sense... But it does make me depressed. Couples, guys, love songs, romantic movies... the latter. I can't seem to get out of the "wanting a boyfriend" rut. What does it take to end this? Or does it never end and once you're stuck, you're stuck? ...yeah. I think I'm stuck. Crap. Why is it that we always end up with more questions then answers? My point exactly (see, it's a question). I wish I could ask the questions I have to the people that I want. There are about 3 people I have a series of questions for and I know that 2 of the 3 would get angry at me for asking and 1 would wonder why the hell I'm even talking to him... Guys are jerks... Most of them anyway. Especially the ones that lie, destroy your trust, and tease you only to hurt you. It's not very nice. Okay... I'm just rambling now. I think that's a sign to stop for now.

'Till a later date!

My story for the past two months...

Wed, 28 May 2008 23:42:52 GMT

Don't worry, I'll make it as short as possible...

Paul and I wrote for a good while, back and forth to each other. Now were done. My mom found his letters and one that I was in the process of writing and she didn't like what she read. I ended up fighting with her and my siblings for a good time. I decided then, it was best to end things. I couldn't put up with arguing with them all the time and things were getting harder for me. I told him I couldn't write to him and he understood because I at least explained as to why I couldn't. A few days later he sent a reply and he said that would be his last letter too. I still had pictures he wanted me to send to him, so I did that and included a letter. After a month of getting no reply, all I wanted to know was if he got the photos or not, so I wrote him again. Still no reply. So, I'm giving up on him. Not writing to him has been helping. I don't feel depressed anymore by missing him as much. Yes I still miss him, but I'll see him in 2 months. I hope then, he'll understand that I just want to be friends. It doesn't make sense to me to be dating a guy that is going to be in a foreign country for 4 years with the possibility of him dying. It's not healthy. Plus, he's not even going to be the same person when he comes back from training and his four years of service. I finally realized that. And I think I realized that he might have just been a rebound from Travis. So, when he gets back, hopefully we can still hang out and be friends. But overall I hope he understands that.

While getting over Travis, crushing on Paul, and moving on, I started talking to one of my coworkers, Weston. At the time we weren't even friends, but as we started working together more often a sort of bound formed. We started talking online through IM and Facebook. A couple days at work he would spend my entire break with me and on the days he had off, he would come in when I was working, not really coming in to see me. Or so I thought at the time. I just thought it coiencidence. Throughout my "hard" time with the breakup and missing Paul, he was kinda my crutch. Talking to him made me happy. Seeing him at work always made my day. Then when I didn't talk to him or see him, I was literally sad. Now, he's working for his uncle, so he doesn't work with me anymore, but we still talk online a lot and sometimes he comes in on Sundays (now to see me). The first week he started his new job, we only talked like one day that week. That really got to me. I was almost depressed that week, because I didn't have my fill of joking around with him. This past Monday, we both realized something... We like each other. He's still unsure about it because he's never been in a relationship, which is cute and I don't mind. Slowly, we're figuring it out together. I'm hoping things work out and that both our parents will actually approve of this. I'm sure my mom will be fine about it, but I have worries about his parents. They're not your typical parents, which I admire. I love their way of raising kids, because it's almost the way my mom would have wanted it. Homeschooling us. Some of their ideas I'm not too sure about, but one day maybe I'll understand. So, there is no relationship yet, therefore no one is going to find out about this too soon. Mainly family and friends, besides his friend Josh who suggested the "relationship" in the first place lol.

The best thing is, I don't feel lonely anymore!!

Have you ever.....

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 18:13:29 GMT

...known someone to truly miss you?? Never before Sunday did I know what it's like. It's really depressing. Especially if that one person sounds like their crying while leaving a message on your phone or if they pour their heart out into a letter.

Easter Sunday, Paul was allowed a phone call... he chose to call me, not his parents. The worst part was... I missed it. I missed his phone call. The ironic part though, is that the WHOLE day I kept checking my phone for no reason. I questioned myself why I was doing it, but I had no idea. So after the 100th time of checking, I left my phone in my room. And that's when he called. I was so angry with myself. Hell I still am. He left a voicemail though, so that made it a little better, but he does sound like he was crying or just about to cry... I feel really bad because he should have used that call for his parents. Not me.

Then on Monday, to make matters better (or worse, I still can't decide) I got another letter from him. He was open with me for the first time since I've met him. Even though it was in writing, I'm happy he could be open this time. He told me how he feels about me. He wants to be with me, not there, not in California. I still don't understand why he'd want to be with me because I'm 3 years younger than him, but I guess I will get an answer in time. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, what he's saying. He also said "it" first. He said "I love you." That threw me off guard, but it made me happy. The worse part is... in the letter he said he might be getting kicked out... Don't know if that's true or not, but hopefully I'll know soon. He still doesn't know for sure or what his punishment will be. I have a feeling he will just have to do some dirty work in Basic, but who knows.

If God made you then He's in love with me...

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 23:19:17 GMT

Yes. And I think he does. I've found redemption I think. It's odd, because Sunday March 2nd. I was extremely depressed. Mainly because I still hadn't heard from Paul. Sunday night, I literally prayed my heart out. I didn't know what to do, but pray. I asked God to help me figure things out. My life has just been so screwed up lately. Things have been happening at school. Work, of course, hasn't been great. Slowly, since I did that, I've been understanding things a little more. Though, some stuff does confuse me and I'm still definitely not a saint. God wants me to wait for things. I think I need to learn patients and I need to raise my hope again.

March 3rd, God answered my prayers. Or maybe it's my imagination. But that day, we drove to the mailbox before picking up my brother from track practice. I jumped out of the car to get the mail. That particular day, I was not hoping to get anything. That day was the day I lost it (my hope), and figured, I'll get a letter from him eventually. So I shuffled through it 'cause there was a lot of it that day. I went through it once outside of the car, quickly jumped back in and shuffled again to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. I was literally BOUNCING in the back seat from excitement. Though my mom and sister had NO IDEA, I took out the enveloped marked with the Marine's insignia and almost ruined the poor envelope.

Now, things are looking up for me. I can't wait for the next four months to be over with, but I'll endure the waiting. It will pass slowly, I'm sure, but I'll get through it. He wrote a lot about how the Marines is not his type of thing, but he's going to stick it out. The main two reasons he said he was going to do that were: 1) So in July when he gets back he can see me and 2) so he can rub it in Mike (sister's boyfriend) that he could do it. I have faith in him. Right now, as I type this he's probably sitting in some infirmary waiting to hear about when his operation is going to be. He said he misses me and home. But I think under the words of "home" he REALLY means me. He wrote 6 pages. I beat him. I wrote 15 maybe more lol. I'm hoping he got my letter, or should I say package, today or yesterday. Either way, I hope he's reading it and doing alright. I miss him a lot.

It's weird. Today, just was crappy, and one of my friends, Robert was willing to give me a hug twice. And at the moment, yeah, it made me feel a little better. But it's not the same. And as I walked to the bus, I realized why. It's because they weren't HIS hugs. And it makes me sad to think that way. But one day soon enough, he'll be back.

On the whole hugging thing. Yes, he's an AMAZING hugger. But I learned a couple of days ago from Rebecca, a girl from work who is now serving in the Army in South Korea, she dated him. She said a few things about him and what I recall first from that part of the conversation was that she said he was a good kisser. What is a good kisser? I wouldn't know. But I'm curious to find out. Though I don't think I will at all. Here I go, dreaming again...

So....

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 23:53:24 GMT

...I'm just going to try and wait it out for the next three months.... and then the next four years... well not when he's on his 30 days of leave each year.

Well the short version is.... Travis ended it yesterday. All he said was that he was sick of everything and that it was over. I'm not quite sure what everything means though... I want to figure it out. I'm tempted to ask him tomorrow at work. That is if he gives me the chance.

God damn I miss Paul. I still haven't gotten a letter from him. I'm hoping I will hear from him soon. Though I still have to ask this question, what would my mom think if I want to go out with a soon-to-be Marine? Dunno...

I'm done now...

Well....

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 16:20:31 GMT

He's gone. Paul is really gone. I kept my hopes high again (I know I should learn not to do that), but I was expecting to see him come into work yesterday. I told him what time I worked and everything. But he misread what time and came in 3 hours after I had already been off the clock. So. Yeah. He's gone.

Maybe, it's for the best...

It's hard...

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 21:12:52 GMT

...to forget about someone you really care about.
Especially if everyone around you is forcing you to forget about that one person.

Why do people have to be such assholes??

I'm on that rollercoaster again...

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 23:04:32 GMT

Travis has been annoying me.
We've been fighting.
I'm sick of hearing people coming to me and telling me what they feel about other people and who they think is a liar.
Travis has no room to talk when he says Paul is a liar.
Saturday Paul confessed he likes me. And well I like him too.
For all I know Paul could be fooling around with my mind.
I should have never told Paul.
He's leaving. So that's good.
Travis and I are "starting over" again.
This will be the last time.
If we fight again, then we're done.
'Cause it's a pointless relationship if you fight all the time.
Then I'm just going to become a "hermit" until I find the right one.
If I go out with Paul.
Well that has disaster written all over it.
Melissa and Mike would hate me.
Travis would probably kill Paul and then call me a liar.
Travis thinks Paul is trying to break us up.
And he doesn't want Paul to interfer with our relationship.
Paul doesn't have anything to do with our relationship.
It's just my own stupid feelings that are getting in the way.
I still don't know what to do.

Lord, help me, please!